At first, I just sat staring at the blank pages and I didn't know where to begin. How would I find the words to pen what I was going through? I was struggling just to survive day-by-day, and my emotions were raw, I ached all over, the grief was unbearable and I could barely form a sentence much less express myself through words.
What good could there be in my documenting what I was feeling and experiencing? What if someone found and read my expressions of pain after I am gone?
It took several weeks of opening and closing my journal before I found my voice. When I decided to write without thinking, with no concern for the outcome or whether anyone would ever read my penned pain and grief, the words flowed freely and I filled the pages of that journal and many others in the months and years that passed.
These journals are now part of the story of my journey from the edge of the tomb to the edge of eternity. I was hesitant in writing about my brokeness and sorrow, but now these journals are a documented reminder of how God led me through the "valley of the shadow of death" into the eternal light of Christ.
A grieving mom who shared that she often thought of journaling or writing a blog, following the loss of her beloved daughter, said that she didn't think she could find the right words. I encouraged her to "just do it" - to just write without putting much thought into what she was writing, for I believe and have experienced that God will most certainly help us find our voice and that documenting our journey through grief can teach us so much about that journey and about ourselves.
Growing up, I had many stories that I wanted to write about, but there was no one to mentor me or show me the way into writing. No one could have told me that it would be the death of my child that would unlock a passion to write. Now, I write all the time and for those who read my blogs, you may notice that at times, I post more than one blog a month - sometimes it's weekly and today, I have written four blogs to be posted in the future.
If you are struggling to find the words that need expressing, I want to encourage you to sit in front of the blank pages with your pen (or computer) in hand, whisper a prayer asking the Lord to "open the eyes of your heart and to give you the words" and I am confident that He is faithful and "close to the brokenhearted," and the words will come - maybe not in the way you think they should come, but if you are honest with yourself, they will come from that place of honest vulnerabilility, that place where most writers emerse.
Where blank pages were once threatening to me, now I just write!
For My Granddaughter, Josslyn,
Angie "a mom like you"