I have always been a "hot head," of which I am not proud. When I was in elementary school I earned the nickname of "Spark Plug Ford!"
I can say it is because I am Irish, passionate and emotional, but in actuality it is because I have a temper and I am strong-willed by nature.
When I was 10 years old, my Dad told me that I was like a "wild horse," and that God would have to "tame" me in order for me to bring Him glory, and his words of wisdom proved true.
After the death of our son, Kevin, I spent a few years as the "Queen of Hearts," as depicted in Alice and Wonderland. If someone offended or disappointed me, I would cut off my relationship with them without a second thought. My marriage and some of my personal friendships and relationships were in trouble - one of my closest, lifelong friends, got her "head cut off," when I thought she wasn't supportive or understanding enough. I nearly divorced my husband, and I found that I was shutting down and becoming cold-hearted and uncaring; all of which I soon realized was a symptom of a deeper longing and need for more of God's love and peace.
It helped me to get counseling and to learn about the affects of grief on our heart, soul, mind and body, especially prior to co-founding Mothers Like Me in 2006 for grieving moms. In researching all the bereavement information I could find and meeting with bereavement professionals, I came to an understanding that my hot-headedness is part of who I am, but mostly it was the result of unresolved inner pain and heartache, and that I didn't trust people. I had good reason not to trust people, but it was in realizing that I didn't need to trust people, that all I needed was to trust God that I began to redefine how I would respond to situations and people in a way that is pleasing to Him and acceptable to others.
In the Bible, there is a passage that says that we "cannot love God and hate people." From what I have learned on my journey through grief, anger and a desire to cut off relationships is a sign of something deeper that is going on inside our heart and soul.
Each of us are individuals with individual personal life stories. We also have individual survival skills and coping mechanisms in place, and the loss of a child (or any loved one) can trigger unresolved inner wounds that can put the almighty "ME" at the helm of our hearts and lives to protect ourselves and build walls rather than. This unhealthy reaction can lead to chaos and a very unhappy life without peace,
I once heard a bereavement professional say that "when we suffer loss, other unresolved losses piggy-back on top of the current loss(es) and each loss must be considered and addressed at some time, if we are to recover and heal." Sometimes, there are unresolved issues with people that cannot be resolved, but I have personally experienced and learned from hundreds of other grievers that we must first look inside ourselves, where we may find that place of pain from which we are responding and come to terms with the pain and how better to respond before we can find resolution and peace.
I am writing this blog to remind myself and to encourage all who are wounded, suffering loss and experiencing the pain and sorrow connected to loss and disappointments to be careful how we respond to life situations and people. Statistics reveal that after a loss such as the loss of a child, we can cause much confusion and chaos, because of our sufferings and unresolved issues.
"If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with (everyone)." Romans 12:18
For the sake of peace through Christ,
Angie "a mom like you"